The Invasion
My name is George and I'm 11 years old. On the 6th June 2020 my life changed forever. It was a cloudy, misty day and my best friend Zac and I were kicking a ball around on the beach. A hovering sound surrounded us with a sudden buzz, and with our eyes squinting from the sun, we saw the most unbelievable spacecraft ever. Zac and I quickly raced as fast as we could into our secert treehouse hideaway in the sand dunes, watching as about 20 mysterious aliens disembarked from the spacecraft. Their heads were as big as pumpkins, they were speaking a funny language and their eyes were bulging out. They were carrying big, weird boxes with unusual writing on them that I had never seen before.
The aliens needed a place to stay, so they just competely took over my beach house. Annoyingly, they probably invaded my beach house because it was the biggest and best house on the coast, but it didn't look like my were just going to invade my beach house. In the sky there were millions of spacecrafts looking to invade any of the best houses there were. All the alien spacecrafts were hovering down to all the houses on the coast. Zac and I shivered together in fear and we were just hoping they wouldn't see, hear or find us.
The aliens didn't care who was in the house, they just wanted a place to stay and store their boxes. Zac and I were watching all of this from my secert treehouse, and they opened a box up and there were these weird weapons, well thats what I thought they were, but Zac thought they were a odd type of bazooka that aliens wound use. They a couple of the aliens took the weapon in and aimed it when they were going in and we were shocked when we saw the aliens threaten my parents with strange looking weapons. I almost felt like running out and punching them all in the face and suddenly a couple of the aliens took my parents aboard their spacecraft with thier high tech weapons, while the rest of the aliens stayed behind and loaded more boxes into my beach house. Why my beach house?
Zac and I quickly jumped on our dirt bikes, that had been hiden in our secert treehouse hide away, and raced down the coast as fast as the could go. All the people we past looked at us in wonder thinking why they would be going so fast, but then the people looked up in the sky, they saw all the spacecrafts, and then there mouths all most dropped off. We found it really hard to hold onto the handel bar. The grip on it was rubbing off, but when we were looking at that we just that saw the spacecraft was way high in the sky. Zac and I started to find it was getting to hard to track the spacecraft down, so we thought that we should get something better. Something that would track them down on.
Rushing, Zac and I had to do something we shouldn't of done. We had hijack a plan. Luckily, by the time we got there, someone that left the door open and the engine was on. First it took Zac awhile to start the plan, so I had to show off my skill. Finially, I managed to get the plan up air, but Zac looked down, and he saw the man, who looked like he was going to drive the plane, got all worried of what his boss would say and stomped off rushing in angry mood trying to make a run for it. Zac and I started to find it really hard to control the plane. But eventually we got the handle of it. While I was driving the plane, Zac yelled out, ''there they are, the spacecraft, it's their'', Zac was pointing to it. Our mouths dropped open.
At full speed, Zac and I were chasing the spacecraft. Luckily, the spacecraft had bearly any windows, and it looked like their gigantic brains would be more help than their tiny eyes. The cloudy day was turning against them. It was getting harder and harder to track down the spacecraft. We looked down. There were millions of spacecrafts. Mysteriously, invading one by one. Suddenly, the spacecraft made quick snappy turn to the left and started going down. We saw the roads and everything, but we couldn't work out where the aliens were going to land, so I could just get my parents back.
This is what I've done so far for my Story. Don't worry, I'll do some soon!!!
George Power 1000
Well done so far! I love the way you introduce the story as it draws your reader in by making them wonder what had changed your life forever. You are using some nice descriptive language and your story progresses clearly. Here are some things to think about:
ReplyDelete1) Show don't tell: There are a few places that I think you could easily show what was happening rather than telling. E.g. "... so they invaded my beach house". or "got all emotional". Think about what verbs you could use instead that would show us what happened.
2) Sentence Structure: We have been looking at varying how we structure our sentences. Take a look at gails gander for some ideas of how to start a sentence in an interesting way. Have a go at changing three sentences, particularly ones that start with "then" or "so". E.g. "Then suddenly, we heard a hovering sound, and looked up in amazement" could be changed to something like: "A hovering sound surrounded us with a sudden buzz, and with our eyes squinting from the sun, we saw ... "
Thanks,
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking about what you have about
''Showing Not Telling,'' and ''Sentence Structures.''
George Power 1000
Hi George Power 1000
ReplyDelete1) Show not tell
Eg: Annoyingly, they probably invaded my beach house. You could of put instead of "Annoyingly" It was frustrating that. Another example is: They were carrying big, weird boxes. You could of said instead of "They were carrying big,weird boxes". There fingers slid under the big,weird boxes.
2) I liked how you used a rhetorical Q in your story. You had lots of intresting words in your story.